Why Can’t I Be You?

T/W: mentions of self harm, eating disorders, body image and mental health. please do not read any further if any of these topics are triggering to you.

It’s been a little while since I wrote a blog entry. I started a new job, which is thankfully going well. It’s almost liberating to be able to go home everyday and not spend the entire night stressed out about what lies ahead for me when I go back in the next day.

Anyway, unfortunately my mental health still isn’t in a great place. Same goes with my physical health. Before lockdown started, my doctors were in the process of trying to kick off some form of treatment for my eating disorder. I’m obviously still waiting for this. Having an ED is all-consuming; I’m drained 24/7. I constantly think about food, whether I want to or not.

For the first time, I’m shitting myself writing this to be honest, but I’m gonna be completely open and honest and start from the beginning. I remember the actual SECOND my eating disorder started, obviously I didn’t know it was going to be following me almost 14 years on.

I was 11 years old. My mum frequently bought celebrity gossip magazines. During that time, you’d probably be hard pressed to find a mother who didn’t buy those magazines. Of course I ended up picking them up time to time. I remember as clear as day seeing the pictures of Victoria Beckham and David Beckham being welcomed to LA standing in between Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes & Jada Pinkett Smith. I can categorically say that picture of Victoria Beckham kickstarted my ED.

I also want to add I hold absolutely zero hatred towards her. It wasn’t her fault. The way magazines wrote about her, it was like that was the ideal. At the time, I felt like I was a pudgy, ugly & worthless 11 year old. I was already around a year into self harm at this point, and I thought maybe dieting was a better alternative to physically hurting myself.

Oh, adolescent Claire, how wrong you were. My dieting exacerbated the self harm. I was self-mutilating up to 5 times a day. I was living off of water, half a cucumber and a whole red pepper a day. If I had to eat dinner with my family, I’d push it around my plate and maybe manage 3-4 bites maximum. I would also exercise for at least 30 minutes after I came home from school. I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD.

I told every child psychiatrist, psychologist and GP I had at the time for years, and I wasn’t underweight, so it was a case of “You have body dysmorphia, most teenagers do, you’ll grow out of it.”

For reference, I got this (size small) t-shirt below for Christmas in 2009. I was 13 years old. This picture here is me today (14/03/21) and it still fits me. I am almost 25 years old. My eating disorder only got, partially may I add, diagnosed a little over a year ago. Before that, it was solely Body Dysmorphia Disorder that I was fully diagnosed with. I wasn’t seen to have any form of eating disorder because I wasn’t “dangerously underweight.”

I grew out of the crash diets pretty quickly. I then went to calorie counting, which unfortunately still completely overtakes my life to this day. If I go out for a meal and I don’t know the calorie count, the guilt that consumes me for the rest of the day/night makes me convince myself that I don’t need to eat anything further. Obviously it concerns me, and it concerns the ones I love. The amount of times I’ve broken down over food is hideous come to think of it.

It’s trying to tell people I don’t willingly want to be like this. I’ve been asking for help for well over a decade now and it’s palmed off with “Well, you’re not dangerously underweight, so we’re not going to do anything.” I feel like I don’t have the right to ask for treatment because I’m not dying, but I can assure you, I think I maybe enjoy food 5% of the time. 95% of the time, I hate thinking about food, I hate the thought and chore of eating and it’s horrible.
Anxiety doesn’t help EDs. Depression doesn’t help EDs. And obviously, having body dysmorphia is horrific when trying to recover from an ED.

I hate how frustrated I make people when I say that I feel huge today, or I shouldn’t eat that because of the calorie count, and I get responses like “you can afford to eat that,” or “you need that more than anyone else” because I personally don’t feel like that. And I will never expect anybody who hasn’t gone through it to understand, but I just wish it was spoken about with no stigma. Mental health disorders aren’t even touched upon in schools, and I think it’s bang out of order. I was made to feel like a nuisance because I had appointments and consultations all the time during my time in high school. I had a select few teachers who were beyond supportive, but it was brushed under the carpet most of the time. It was one of the main reasons I left to go into college, where I actually had a full time mental health worker within the building I could go to if things were starting to pile on top of me.

In terms of everything I’ve been treated for and given medication and therapy to counterbalance issues, my eating disorder has fallen by the wayside. It’s always been treated as a side effect.

I’m so open about everything because I don’t want anyone to ever think they have to be ashamed of having a mental health condition. I hate what I go through on a daily basis, and I am well aware that there are thousands of people out there who have it worse than me, but my feelings and thoughts are valid. And that’s taken me years to acknowledge.

Yes, I cry over this shit on a daily basis (yes, Josh is a saint and I would be completely lost without his support over the last few years) and it’s a slog for those around me too. I know it’s not easy, and I profusely apologise to everyone all the time because I know how much hard work it is a lot of the time. I’m so incredibly lucky to be able to say my best friends are still the best friends I had as a pre-teen/young teenager. We’ve all been through every little shitty thing together, and we’re stronger and better off from it. We understand that we may go weeks without speaking, but we also know that if something major happens, we’re all there for each other.

Embarrassingly so, I’ve had Kitkat in my life since I was 9 years old and he’s been cried on and used as a pet therapist since he was tiny. He’s one of the only constants I’ve ever had.

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I’m also majorly lucky that I’ve had music the whole way through and whether it’s a CD, a live DVD or a proper live show, it’s my escapism, it’s my life.

I have listed below any helplines and handy websites if you are struggling with any of this. If you feel you or someone you love is suffering with anything I’ve mentioned, please call your GP and share your concerns, because asking for any help is without a doubt the hardest step in any sort of recovery. And I have everything crossed I will develop a healthier relationship with food in the future (once Covid has dispersed a little bit and I can finally enter some form of treatment.)

Stay safe and thank you for reading.

Claire x

Helplines & handy websites:

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

https://seedeatingdisorders.org.uk/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/useful-contacts/

https://www.samaritans.org/

Albums of the Year – 2021

So…I’ve really abandoned this blog, huh?!

It’s been a very chaotic year, but thankfully some absolute beauties of albums came and rescued me out of some of the murkiest depths I’ve found myself in.

Let’s goooo….

10: Sometimes I Might Be Introvert by Little Simz

May be bold to say, but Little Simz has sneaked up and stolen the Queen of Rap crown. You cannot listen to this album without thinking so; it’s a flawlessly curated record. I’ve been listening to Little Simz for a few years now, and everything she’s released in the past I’ve really enjoyed but when I got to sit down and digest this album in its entirety, it felt like a groundbreaking moment. Lyrically, it’s a masterpiece. You might look at this album and think “Oh shit, it’s 19 tracks long?!” and be a little intimidated. And so you should be; Little Simz is here to blow your fucking mind. The second I heard ‘Point and Kill’ it’s never left my brain. I sing it all the damn time. I urge you all to buy/stream/experience this record if you do anything at all. Jaw dropping beauty in one album.

Standout Tracks:

1. Point and Kill
2. Introvert
3. Miss Understood

9: The Ultra Vivid Lament by Manic Street Preachers

Ah, the Manic Street Preachers. A band whose albums have followed me throughout the entirety of my life. I adore the bones of this band. Their last album was a little bit disappointing for me, so I was apprehensive when I first sat down to fully absorb this one, but I had no reason to be because it’s a true return to form. Nicky Wire proving he’s still one of this country’s most underrated lyricists of all time. James Dean Bradfield’s vocals are still on fire and Sean Moore’s drumming in the shadows still shine. ‘Still Snowing in Sapporo’ opens the album and it could easily be on their 1996 masterpiece ‘Everything Must Go.’ It’s CLASSIC Manics. They love adding a female vocal feature nowadays, although it’ll never beat the heights of ‘Your Love Alone Is Not Enough’ with Cardigans’ Nina Persson, ‘The Secret He Had Missed’ with Julia Cumming is one catchy number. I could rave about this band’s dynamic forever, because they’re one of the best around. God bless MSP.

Standout Tracks:

1. Still Snowing In Sapporo
2. Diapause
3. Orwellian

8: Cryosleep by Matt Bellamy

I really thought I’d be writing a review on Muse’s new album right now, but alas, we’re still waiting on LP9, but have no fear, because Matt Bellamy saved us. (Sort of!) Matt released this record of tracks he’s reworked and/or written over the last couple of years on vinyl for Record Store Day 2021. Showcasing covers of ‘Fever’ and ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ and reworked Muse classics such as ‘Unintended’ and ‘Guiding Light,’ the latter of which was recorded on THE late Jeff Buckley’s guitar. As a massive Jeff fan, I can safely admit that I sobbed within the first thirty seconds of my first listen. He also has a few originals in there, which include ‘Pray’ (written for the final series of Game of Thrones soundtrack,) instrumentals inspired by Muse’s last tour and ‘Tomorrow’s World.’ It’s really just an insight to Matt’s musical wizardry. I’ve said it before, and I’ll never stop, but I wouldn’t have ever gotten into music without him and Muse. If you want to delve deeper into the brilliant, wacky and beautifully weird mind behind Muse, please listen to Cryosleep. Shut your eyes and just listen. You won’t be disappointed.

Standout Tracks:

1. Take a Bow (Four Hands Piano)
2. Pray
3. Guiding Light (on Jeff’s Guitar)

7: Moral Panic II by Nothing But Thieves

In addition to 2020’s Moral Panic, Nothing But Thieves released Moral Panic II earlier this year. It may only be 5 tracks, and possibly considered as an EP, but it blew me away just as much as 2020’s effort did in half the songs. Opening track ‘Futureproof’ poses the question of “Why do you wanna do good when you can feel good?” within the first verse, which very openly outs influencer culture on social media, especially during all of the protests over the last 2-3 years. Few bands are musically commentating on the state of the world, especially social media culture, better and more thought provokingly than NBT. My absolute favourite, and one of my songs of the decade already, ‘Your Blood’, opens with only sparse acoustic guitar and Conor’s gorgeous vocals. The track blooms into this dark, haunting and seismic climax, which is where Conor’s soaring vocals take centre stage, before it all comes back down and settles again. It’s our generation’s ‘Paranoid Android’ by Radiohead in my opinion. If you told me Thom Yorke wrote it, I wouldn’t disagree. It’s THAT fucking perfect. Get your ears around it, because you won’t regret it.

Standout Tracks:

1. Your Blood
2. Futureproof
3. If I Were You

6: Screen Violence by CHVRCHES

You might not think it right now, but my god, women really ruled my 2021. I really fell out of love with CHVRCHES for a long time because their last effort fell flat for me and I just didn’t listen to them all that much after that. That was until I bought my copy of ‘Screen Violence’ the week it came out, praying it was going to reignite my love again. It did more than that; I love this band 100x more than I did when I first listened to them. This is their best record. I don’t care if you disagree, because Lauren Mayberry has never written lyrics better than this. The 80s goth rock influence is evident throughout, so much so, I genuinely thought the intro to ‘Final Girl’ was a demo The Cure threw out during the recording of their career defining 1989 record ‘Disintegration.’ Speaking of the mighty Cure, Mr Robert Smith features on ‘How Not To Drown’ and I would never think his and Lauren’s vocals would work together in a million years, but they work almost TOO well. It’s a brilliant track. There isn’t a song on this album that I skip, which CHVRCHES has never managed to achieve with me. I sincerely hopes this catapults them back to the heights they were at when they first in the spotlight because this record is stunning, dark and has some of the most anthemic and soaring choruses they’ll ever write.

Standout Tracks:

1. Final Girl
2. How Not To Drown (feat. Robert Smith)
3. Violent Delights

5. Typhoons by Royal Blood

We are three albums into Royal Blood’s career and they’re yet to hit a stumbling block. Probably like most fans, I was a bit apprehensive about this third effort because I felt like there’s not too much more they could’ve come out with just being a two piece but I was so fucking wrong. We still got our bone-shaking riffs, huge choruses and Ben Thatcher’s unmistakable drumming style, but with added synths and female backing vocals on some of the tracks. Lyrically, ‘Typhoons’ is a record documenting singer and bassist Mike Kerr’s battle and recovery with alcohol addiction. With lyrics like “Can’t live like this forever, running out of lifelines” in ‘Oblivion’ and “Save yourself, don’t throw in the towel” in ‘Hold On’ it’s the first time we’ve really heard Mike be this open with his songwriting. One of my music moments of the 2021 is the final track ‘All We Have Is Now’; A stunning piano ballad which really showcases Mike’s ability to do delicate vocals. They really are the best rock band to come out of the 2010s.

Standout Tracks:

1. Oblivion
2. Either You Want It
3. All We Have Is Now

4: The Myth Of The Happily Ever After by Biffy Clyro

Biffy Fucking Clyro released an absolutely MASSIVE album last year that I didn’t think they’d manage to match, let alone one up, with this sister record. TMOTHEA punches you in the face, cuddles you for a short while and then kicks you in ass right at the end. It’s a total whirlwind of an album and I fucking love it. ‘Holy Water’ will be a Biffy classic in years to come. It’s that good. I was lucky enough to see a lot of this album live in London last month in a wee venue and it was as glorious as you’d think it’d be. The album ends with the insanely titled ‘Slurpy Slurpy Sleep Sleep’ and it’s as bonkers as you wish a song with that title to be. It’s so reminiscent of their 2004 record ‘Infinity Land.’ It’s classic Biffy with a little more edge than we’ve seen in a long time, and long may it continue. Mon the Biff.

Standout Tracks:

1. Slurpy Slurpy Sleep Sleep
2. Holy Water
3. Unknown Male 01

3. Flowers for Vases by Hayley Williams

When Hayley announced another solo record less than a year after she released Petals For Armour, I was totally beside myself. This is a much darker, yet delicate, album than the previous. Hayley wrote every single part on her own, and this album contains some of her most hard hitting and poignant lyrics yet. The opening lyric to ‘My Limb’ still floors me almost a whole year on (“If you’re gonna amputate, don’t give me the tourniquet.”) ‘Good Grief’ is one of my tracks of the year, as it echoes a lot of the trauma I’ve personally gone through in the last few years (“I’m all skeleton and melody.”) I really hope Hayley manages to tour these albums because I’m dying to hear some of these songs live. It’s a truly gorgeous album, and I cannot recommend it enough. The vinyl is also stunning, so if you can get your hands on it, you won’t regret it! Also, wee side note: this is a really lovely record to listen to in the bath. The acoustics in the bathroom makes this album shine a little brighter.

Standout Tracks:

1. Over Those Hills
2. My Limb
3. Good Grief

2: Prioritise Pleasure by Self Esteem

I so badly needed a new pop badass to fall in love with and god bless Rebecca Lucy Taylor AKA Self Esteem for dropping this love letter to female power, female pleasure and the biggest fuck you to the patriarchy. ‘I Do This All The Time’ is one of the most powerful, hard-hitting and honest songs I’ve ever heard in my entire life. The mix of beat poetry and the gorgeous, uplifting chorus makes it one of the greatest songs of all time. (Bold, but you can hold me to that statement in the future.) The opener ‘I’m Fine’ ends with Rebecca’s friends talking about unwanted male advances, and it fucking blew my mind the first time I heard it (“It’s genuinely something me and my friends actually do; if we are approached by a group of men, we will bark like dogs, and people always laugh at it, but there is nothing that terrifies a man more than a woman that appears completely deranged.”) Rebecca then howls like a dog at the end, and having that as your album opener is such a killer move, and I fucking adore her for it. She will be known as one of the important lyricists of our generation. She needs to be.

Standout Tracks:

1. Prioritise Pleasure
2. I’m Fine
3. I Do This All The Time

1. Blue Weekend by Wolf Alice

Quelle surprise. A masterpiece. The moment I finished listening to this for the first time, I knew it was my album of the year. I could write actual sonnets about how much this album has soundtracked this turbulent year for me. I loved their first two albums but there is nothing they’ve ever written that’s hit me as hard as this entire body of work. From the delicate, symphonic sounds of ‘The Last Man On Earth’ and ‘Lipstick on the Glass’ to the beer soaked, sticky floor punk vibes on ‘Play The Greatest Hits,’ they’ve totally nailed it. ‘Feeling Myself’ is one of their career highlights purely for the lyric “Keep my name on your lips, let the double L feel like a kiss.” They’re a once in a generation band. I would give my right arm to even have 1/10th of the talent that Ellie Rowsell possesses. The opener ‘The Beach’ slowly swells into this beautiful crescendo that ends far too early for me, but the fact the rest of the record is so flawless, I’ll forgive them. And if anyone is selling a ticket for their Barrowlands shows, let me know because I sadly missed out and I’m desperate.

Standout Tracks:

1. Play The Greatest Hits
2. Feeling Myself
3. Delicious Things

I have high expectations for 2022 because 2021 really nailed it for me, and it’s so refreshing to see three women responsible for my top three albums of the year.

I hope you found some good recommendations on here to add to your own vinyl/CD collections and/or your playlists on streaming services.

Thanks for reading,

Claire xo.

Honestly? Fuck 2020

I think know I’m within a very long line of people who are looking forward to throwing a middle finger up to this whole year.

18/12/2020

2020 started off extremely uneventful; I very quietly celebrated the fact New Year marked six years since Josh and I first met. I had a slew of gigs lined up, and what I knew would be a busy year at work.

We experienced two concerts in Manchester & London within two weeks in mid-February-late February. Editors and Frank Carter & The Rattlesnakes were outstanding. We knew we had so much more to look forward to, such as Pearl Jam in London and Harry Styles in Glasgow to name just a few.

And then a fucking global pandemic hit, didn’t it? I was pretty much furloughed from work instantly. Did I welcome lockdown and furlough? For the first two weeks, it was absolute bliss. And then my depression hit me harder than it ever has. I was miserable. Josh was still working full-time, my friends all lived away, and my mother was, unfortunately, relapsing again.

I’m going to be brutally honest here: Nothing’s changed with these blogs regarding that fact. But I just want to make a trigger warning because I do go on to explicitly talking about self harm, mental health and eating disorders. So please do not make yourself uncomfortable by reading this. I 100% understand.

I found myself writing a lot more than usual. I found myself totally immersing myself in music again. It continues to be the love of my life, and I’m eternally grateful for that, but it became more of a distraction than anything else. And it deserved to be so much more than that.

I miss my friends. My two bestest friends in the entire world were so far away, one was down in Edinburgh, and the other was all the way over in Vietnam. It fucking hurt. And when you hurt that badly, the last thing you want to do is disrupt what may be a tough time for them too. So everything was bottled up. I very rarely bottle things up, that’s just not who I am; I transfer those feelings to writing or going to therapy or ending up bawling crying in Josh’s car after he’s finished work.

I turned 24 very early on during lockdown. I wrote a hell of a lot during that period. I wrote how I didn’t expect to make it to 24. Although, I still had doubts about making it to 25. I think about if I could speak to my 16 year old self, what I would tell her. Truthfully? I wouldn’t tell her she was still suffering with all of this shit because I know I wouldn’t be here today if I knew this was still going to be going on.

June hit, and I knew I had to call a doctor. I was on the verge of the biggest mental breakdown I’ve had in almost a decade. My eating disorder was consuming me. My self harm was happening multiple times a day again, the first time in almost 7 years where it’s been that bad. I wanted to die. That was the bottom line. I was hoarding medication. I was tripling, quadrupling, up on medication just so I didn’t have to feel anything.

I had dropped more weight. I was sitting at the weight I was at the age of 10/11 years old. I found it a chore to eat. There were occasions during lockdown where I had to set reminders on my phone to remind me just to even attempt to eat a fucking banana.

Six months on, I’ve only managed to gain 1kg back. Getting told that, with a disordered brain, you feel as if you’ve gained 1 whole stone, not just 2lbs. I kicked myself big time over that. I still do.

July came along and I was back to work. My line of work, a busy holiday park, you had some customers complying with the new rules the world have had to come to terms with since March, and others just didn’t. That stressed me out. I knew if I caught anything, I’d probably be OK, but I live with three high-risk people who wouldn’t be. Work was, for lack of a better phrase, a fucking shit-show.

My suicidal ideation was getting worse, my self harm was still happening almost daily, my depression, anxiety and my eating disorder were all simply suffering.

I also, again quietly, celebrated my third year anniversary with Josh. I know for a fact I wouldn’t be writing this end of year blog right now if it wasn’t for him. I owe him the world. I will never encounter someone who is more patient, loving, understanding and kind than he is. He’s been such a star. He’s had to learn how to administer first aid, understand mental health and just be there for someone who doesn’t even want to be there for themselves. I 100% do not deserve him.

I, thankfully, after a five month wait, got back in touch with my councillor, who could only have telephone appointments with me every other week. It was better than nothing. I realised finally spilling out everything I was concealing for months wasn’t right. I’ve not been myself for years, but this was someone else entirely. I cried up to 10 times a day. I was finding myself yelling to myself that I wanted to die. Thankfully, I still have that communication for the time being and I’m nowhere near back to being leveled out but, that takes a lot of fucking time.

Autumn came along, and there was no let-up with work, my mum was sicker than I’d ever seen her, and I had just found out my best friend had a brand new baby all the way over in Vietnam. It was a lot to digest. It tore me apart that I couldn’t do anything because I was thousands of miles away. Amazingly, she’s home now, and that baby is just every ounce of pure joy that a single human being could hold. That’s been a huge relief, and one of the better things to come out of this year. I hadn’t seen her in over three years. I have so many incredible friends, but your best female friends are vital, and I didn’t have that for years, and it really affected me.

And now we’re ending 2020…As if my year could get any worse, I was made redundant from a job I’ve poured my blood, sweat and tears into for over 4 years just two days before Christmas. It’s still not fully sunk in. I’m a worker. If I don’t have something to do, I struggle. I’m eternally grateful I have my music to immerse myself into until I find something new, whenever that may be. I’m also incredibly lucky my best friend is home.

I never make New Year’s Resolutions. I think they’re stupid. Why put an end date on something? When you’re ultimately never going to achieve what you wanted to within that timeline, and you’re just going to end up disappointing yourself.

I really fucking struggled with no live music this year. That’s my mecca. That’s my happy place.

I have a fair few gigs lined up for 2021, and I have everything crossed they go ahead, because if 2021 ends up going down the same route as this year, well folks, it’s not going to be pretty.

I haven’t been hugely open about my mental health on my blog in 2020 as I maybe should’ve been. Although, I think right now is the first time I’ve sat down long enough to really realise the magnitude of the last 12 months. My eating disorder still has me in a death grip, my depression hasn’t worsened, but hasn’t got better. My anxiety, especially right now, is in full swing.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have a phenomenal support system within my friends and medical team. I also still fall back a lot on Samaritans (Available 24/7 on 116 123) who continue to do incredible work.

I’m also going to leave 10 songs from 2020 that have, quite honestly, saved my life.

1. Roses/Violet/Lotus/Iris by Hayley Williams
2. Kyoto by Phoebe Bridgers
3. Shame Shame by Foo Fighters
4. Dance Of The Clairvoyants by Pearl Jam
5. Opaque by Biffy Clyro
6. Leave It Alone by Hayley Williams
7. Reasons I Drink by Alanis Morissette
8. Level Of Concern by Twenty One Pilots
9. Monsters by All Time Low (feat. blackbear)
10. 25 by The Pretty Reckless

Thank you for reading if you did. It makes me feel like I’m not continually talking to myself. But please do speak to someone if you’re struggling. The worst thing to do is suffer silently.

And here’s hoping our plans for 2021 pan out (and I find another job!!)

don’t really post myself on here, but hey xo

Claire x

Albums Of The Year – 2020

It’s that time of year again where I get to sit and write down every record I’ve purchased in the last 12 months and agonisingly whittle it down to my Top 10. My first “shortlist” was a whopping 28 albums long.

It was the year of being locked in for a third of the time for me, so it gave me a LOT of listening time.

Also, a little side note: Women really won 2020. What an absolutely mammoth amount of records I bought by female musicians this year even blew me away.

So let’s just get into it:

10: Little Bastards by The Kills

Before you tell me this a record full of b-sides and rarities, I am well aware of that. But I needed this album so badly this year. I needed to hear Alison Mosshart’s cutting vocals over Jamie Hince’s instantly recognisable guitar tone. This will tide us Kills fans over until a brand spanking new album will come out of the woodwork from this pair. No band has musically, visually and lyrically inspired me as much as The Kills have in the past decade or so. Also, this includes my favourite version of I Put A Spell On You in history. It still has the power to give me chills and put all the hairs on my neck up on end. Get me to another Kills show right now, please. If you love Yeah Yeah Yeahs and The White Stripes, get your ears around The Kills and you’ll thank me.

Standout Tracks:

1. Superpowerless
2. Night Train
3. I Put A Spell On You

9: Such Pretty Forks In The Road by Alanis Morissette

It’s crazy to think it’s been a whole eight years since Alanis blessed us with a new studio album. Such Pretty Forks In The Road was well worth the wait. Another Morissette record full of achingly relatable and honest lyrics. Alanis writes of her struggles with post-partum depression on ‘Diagnosis’ and her trial where others were accused of embezzling her in ‘Reckoning.’ She has been such a massive advocate on speaking out about mental health, and that is heavily evident on Such Pretty Forks In The Road.

Her intense, inimitable vocals continue to shine through just as much as they had back on Jagged Little Pill some 25 years ago. An absolutely beautiful record. And let’s keep everything crossed that I will finally be able to see her in October 2021.

Standout Tracks:

1. Reasons I Drink
2. Diagnosis
3. Losing The Plot

8. Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I can’t tell you how much I’ve listened to this record. It’s a stunning body of work, and considering it’s only Phoebe’s second studio album, it’s mindblowing. Recorded at one of my dream studios ‘Sound City’ in California, Bridgers described it as a “magical place.” Records such as ‘Rumours’ by Fleetwood Mac and ‘Rage Against The Machine’ by Rage Against The Machine were recorded there. There’s that sense of “this is going to be her mark on the musical map” with this album for Phoebe.

You can hear the major influence her favourite artist (Elliott Smith) come through in droves on Punisher. Smith is also one of my favourite musicians, so this is another tick in the box for me. With lyrics describing self destruction, depression, watching things you love end and desire, as someone who’s only a couple of years younger than Bridgers, it’s far too relatable, it’s scary at times. If you like artists like Best Coast and Bombay Bicycle Club, you’ll love Phoebe. She’s a must see for me now when live shows become a thing again.

Standout Tracks:

1. Kyoto
2. Halloween
3. ICU

7. Women In Music Pt. III by Haim

I love Haim. I have done since the very first time I heard ‘The Wire’ back in 2012. They’ve managed to capture pure summer vibes in every single track since they’ve come to be a band. Lyrically, this record focuses a lot on the darker side of life like depression, sexism and unfortunately, a cancer diagnosis within one of the girls’ relationships. It’s Haim doing what they do best; folk pop and pop rock, but with added licks of r’n’b, hip hop, electropop and reggae. It’s Haim with an extra dimension that lacked from the previous two records. And it’s utterly brilliant.

Standout Tracks:

1. The Steps
2. Don’t Wanna
3. Now I’m In It (On the bonus version of the record, but it counts!!)

6. Fetch The Bolt Cutters by Fiona Apple

Fiona Apple….there’s no words for her. She’s just that unique. Her first album in eight years, I was beside myself with excitement for Fetch The Bolt Cutters. Mainly recorded on Mac’s ‘Garageband’ program, it’s homemade to the highest degree, but it works so fucking well. Of course the piano makes an appearance in most songs, much expected on a Fiona Apple record, but this is a mainly percussive album. And not just your run of the mill percussive album, it’s random percussion. A lot of household items, along with Apple utilising bones from her recently deceased dog. Fiona has said for years that her vocals are an instrument too, and she showcased that entirely on this record. There’s no voice like hers. She has come out and said the percussive element of the album is attributed to her OCD, in which she would always walk in rhythm to a strict tempo. I don’t want to compare her to anyone, but she’s so intensely unique, but if you’re a Tom Waits fan, try this record in particular. Two legends of the game.

Standout Tracks:

1. Under The Table
2. Cosmonauts
3. Heavy Balloon

5. Moral Panic by Nothing But Thieves

NBT have been a firm favourite of mine for the last few years, with good reason. Rip-roaring riffs, heavenly Thom Yorke inspired vocals and, this time, some synth-pop to boot. Lyrically, it’s just what the album states, moral panic. With a year that we’ve all experienced, it’s laced with self-doubt, love, mental anguish and the reliance on technology. Musically, let’s just say I am completely buzzing to (hopefully) witness these new tracks live next September. Conor has one of the best voices in the game, with the obvious Radiohead inspirtation, as previously stated, he showcases his love for another hero of his, Jeff Buckley, in tracks like ‘Impossible’ and ‘Free If We Want It.’ It’s very much sways on the side of electronica, with the heavy guitars still evident, but it’s a new realm of Nothing But Thieves that just completely works for them. If you like The Dead Weather, Radiohead and/or Muse, you’ll love them just as much as I do.

Standout Tracks:

1. Unperson
2. Phobia
3. Can You Afford To Be An Individual?

4. Wake Up, Sunshine by All Time Low

Oh, don’t we all love a bit of pop-punk joy in a year that has brought us anything but joy?! Wake Up, Sunshine was what I definitely needed this year. All Time Low have dabbled a little bit more with production and electronica in the previous two records, but Wake Up, Sunshine is a true return to form, even bagging them their first Alternative Number One in the US with ‘Monsters,’ which ended up in the top spot for well over two months. I can’t wait to experience these guys live for the ninth time next September (all hoping, obviously!) If you love Blink-182 and Fall Out Boy, stream/buy a copy of Wake Up, Sunshine and let’s pretend this year wasn’t a complete shitshow.

Standout Tracks:

1. Pretty Venom (Interlude)
2. Clumsy
3. Monsters (feat. blackbear)

3. Gigaton by Pearl Jam

2020 filled me up with so much hope; Josh and I had tickets to see Pearl Jam in Hyde Park in July, they had released their much anticipated first single from the new record , which was subsequently released in March. And then it all went to pot. Seven years since Pearl Jam’s last effort, Gigaton was one of the only records I stayed up until past midnight to listen to straight away this year. And I was not disappointed in the slightest. With a chorus harking back to the likes of ‘School’ by Nirvana in ‘Quick Escape’ to Eddie Vedder’s vocals backed by an eerie organ in ‘River Cross,’ Gigaton brought it all for us Pearl Jam fans. ‘Who Ever Said’ is the most “Pearl Jam” PJ song on the record, for anybody who wants a gateway track. Now let’s just keep everything crossed we finally get to see this record live in Hyde Park in July 2021.

Standout Tracks:

1. Dance Of The Clairvoyants
2. Superblood Wolfmoon
3. Quick Escape

2. A Celebration Of Endings by Biffy Clyro

2020: The year Biffy Fucking Clyro came back with a mighty bang. Four years since Biffy blessed us with ‘Ellipsis,’ we’ve been longing for this record for a long time. With beautiful, tear-inducing ballads like ‘Space’ and ‘Opaque’ to slap you in the face, balls to the wall arena bangers like ‘Weird Leisure’ and ‘End Of,’ Simon Neil was right: this is truly Biffy’s ‘Opus 8.’ This is evident with album closer ‘Cop Syrup.’ Opening a track with ‘I’ve been punching rainbows since ’79’ and ultimately singing the phrase ‘Fuck everybody! Woo!’ multiple times throughout the first couple minutes of the song, until we all of a sudden reach this absolutely jaw-droppingly gorgeous string section for a total of four minutes, before ending the final 20 seconds of the song with a final ‘Fuck everybody, woo!’ I have two sets of Biffy tickets for 2021. Whether or not these shows will come to be, time will only tell, but I can assure you after the year we’ve all had, I need to be stood in a venue screaming ‘Fuck everybody!’ at the top of my lungs.

Standout Tracks:

1. Cop Syrup
2. The Champ
3. End Of

1. Petals For Armor by Hayley Williams

Now…I could write a full essay on this album. For the last 7 months, I’ve listened to entirety of Petals For Armor an obscene amount of times. This is the record that I’m going to forever associate with 2020. This was the vessel of songs that helped me survive this year. Honestly.

Everyone knows Hayley Williams as the firecracker frontwoman of Paramore. Her voice has soundtracked most of my life, usually through the medium of anger-laced, emotional and, especially in the last two Paramore records, a lot of fucking fun music.

But Petals For Armor was different. This was the first time Hayley was going out on her own. There was no ‘We Are Paramore!’ This was the year we were going to get Hayley at her truest, and definitely her darkest moment.

We were blessed with songs where she was brutally honest about her past marriage (‘Dead Horse’ and ‘Simmer,’) tracks where she was grappling with her mere existence, mental health and grief (‘Leave It Alone’ and ‘Crystal Clear’) and then the songs where you can tell she’s accepted that she’s allowed to be happy with her own body, mind and has no apologies about it (‘Watch Me While I Bloom’ and ‘Roses/Violet/Lotus/Iris’)

This record is a total rollercoaster. It’s set out in three parts, five songs each. A 15 track album is unheard of most of the time, and when we do get them, they’re usually all filler, no killer. But not Petals…this is different. This is Hayley Williams being fully open and experimental with her songwriting talent, love of synth and indie pop.

‘Roses/Violet/Lotus/Iris’ is my favourite track. Not only on this album, but of the whole year. The honesty of those lyrics cut right through me the first time I heard them. Especially in this era of social media, all we do is cut ourselves down 24/7. We compare ourselves constantly to an ideal that isn’t even fucking real. It also features back-up vocals from Phoebe Bridgers, Julien Baker and Lucy Dacus.

I’m not sorry for the onslaught of love I’ve just given this album. It’s the least it deserves.

Standout Tracks:

1. Roses/Violet/Lotus/Iris
2. Cinnamon
3. Leave It Alone

And that’s 2020. It’s been a fucking wild year, and not for any good reasons. I have everything crossed we get to be in arenas, muddy fields and tiny sweaty venues again, experiencing live music at its finest.

Thank you for reading.

Claire x

50 Years Of Records: 2010-2019

The final and fifth part of this series is here! I’ve decided to take on the task of writing a five part blog post on my favourite record from each year since 1970 all the way to 2019; 50 whole years of music.
I’ve had to be hard on myself: I can only use an artist ONCE.
It’s the turn of the 2010s this week. This was the decade I truly emerged myself in the sheer joy that is live music, and I’ve never looked back since. Enjoy!

NEW YORK, NY – JUNE 02: Lorde performs onstage during the 2017 Governors Ball Music Festival – Day 1 at Randall’s Island on June 2, 2017 in New York City. (Photo by Noam Galai/Getty Images)

2010: Hold Me Down by You Me At Six

First and foremost, I will always love this album. No matter how shocking the last few releases of theirs have been, those first three records were brilliant in my eyes. (The “Coldplay effect” hit them, I guess!) But YES, Hold Me Down is just a perfect slice of modern rock perfection. It’s just a lot of fun, and witnessing most of it live a year after it was released was an absolute pleasure. It holds a lot of beautiful memories for me.

My highlight?: ‘Contagious Chemistry’ because it’s the YMAS song ever. Period.

2011: Watch The Throne by Jay-Z & Kanye West

Weirdly enough, I’ve been a Jay-Z fan for a long, long time, and when this album dropped, it blew my fucking mind. There is not a single track on here that I skip, and I’ve never grown tired of it. It still sounds so fresh nine years on. Tracks like ‘No Church In The Wild,’ ‘That’s My Bitch’ and ‘Otis’ continue to find their way onto almost every playlist I make, because they’re absolutely first class songs. That Kanye & Jay magic was something else, and I miss it. Truly.

My highlight?: ‘Why I Love You’ is the stand-out on this record. It’s just flawless. One of my all time favourites.

2012: Electra Heart by Marina & The Diamonds

I listened to this record pretty much everyday for years when it came out. I struggle to listen to it all the way through now because it pretty much soundtracked some of the hardest years of my life. Yes, it’s a deliciously pop-tastic sugar sweet sounding album, but underneath the surface, the majority of those lyrics ripped me apart every time I heard them. But without Electra Heart, I don’t think I would write so honestly now. You have to take the good with the bad, and I’m eternally grateful for this record; from the “rip my heart to shreds” tracks like ‘Teen Idle,’ ‘Starring Role’ and ‘Fear & Loathing’ to pop bangers that I spent a lot of my latter teen years dancing in my room manically to like ‘Bubblegum Bitch,’ ‘Primadonna’ and ‘Radioactive,’ this album truly has it all.

My highlight?: ‘Living Dead.’ Always. What a song.

2013: Opposites by Biffy Clyro

A double record is possibly one of the most batshit, ballsy things a band could ever do, especially in the 21st century. 20 Biffy tracks, all absolutely perfect in their execution. It isn’t even my favourite Biffy album, but I cannot deny how much of a masterpiece this album is. Another body of work that soundtracked a lot of mental anguish, and it truly was an anchor to me in the hardest of times. I got to witness this album on tour four times and every single time, I was full-blown bawling at points. Lyrically, the greatest work Simon Neil has ever created. Musically, it’s like this absolute shit-storm soundtrack of every movie genre within twenty songs, but it’s beautiful. The soft moments like ‘The Fog,’ ‘The Thaw,’ and ‘Opposite’ still get me weeping. The weird as shit, “balls-to-the-wall” Biffy we all know and love in ‘Little Hospitals’ and ‘Trumpet Or Tap’ stay true to form. A record everyone needs to own.

My highlight?: ‘Spanish Radio’ because it’s not moved from my top ten songs of all time since I first heard it. It’s so special.

2014: Royal Blood by Royal Blood

Imagine being able to release this as your first record?! 10 absolutely flawless rock tracks on one body of work?! Mike Kerr and Ben Thatcher are modern day geniuses. I’m eternally grateful when Josh and I started hanging out back in 2014, he introduced me to them when we were in the car one day and I’ve never looked back since. I’ve since seen them twice live and they’re mindblowing. I can’t believe that amount of noise can come from two people. They haven’t released a single lackluster track since they became a band. That’s some feat achieved.

My highlight?: Out Of The Black because that’s some fucking album opener. Brilliance.

2015: How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful by Florence + The Machine

I was worshipping Florence Welch the moment my dad first played ‘Lungs’ in the back in 2009. I was 19 when HBHBHB came out; I was this neverending list of issues, I felt so lost and alone, and this record became my therapy. Witnessing it live was one of the most ethereal, achingly gorgeous experiences of my life. This album still has the power to move me to tears without me even realising it. It’s stunning. ‘What Kind Of Man’ and ‘Which Witch’ still sends chills down my spine. Florence is a modern day Kate Bush that my life needed so badly, and I’m so glad she exists every single day.

My highlight?: Various Storms & Saints. It’s Florence’s best song. No song gets me bawling quicker. I even have a tattoo dedicated to it. And a blog title…

2016: Anti by Rihanna

The last album Rihanna blessed the world with, and what a record it is. There’s no sight of an album filler anywhere. A first for Rihanna. I’ve been a huge fan of this queen for years, but Anti solidified her icon status for me. I also think seeing her perform mere feet away from her during the Anti tour swayed that, because it was truly phenomenal. Her vocals on tracks like ‘Love On The Brain’ and ‘Higher’ were out of this world. She’s never been the most vocally tenacious performer in my eyes before, but these songs blew that opinion out of the water forever. Rihanna can fucking SING. And then you have some wonderful collaborations with the likes of SZA (‘Consideration’) and Travis Scott (‘Woo’) that take the album to another level. I am aching for a new album from Rihanna just to see if it can get anywhere near the perfection of Anti.

My highlight? Desperado. The best Rihanna song. The most slept on Rihanna track ever. (One of my favourite bands in the world, The Kills, even covered it. It’s THAT good)

2017: Melodrama by Lorde

Melodrama soundtracked my entire 2017 and beyond. Lorde flawlessly wrote a record that portrayed life as someone in their early 20s fumbling their way through life, love, mental health, heartbreak and relationships. I have no single bad word to say about this album. It’s one of my favourite albums in the whole world. From heart shattering tracks like ‘Liability’ and ‘Writer In The Dark’ to “crying in the club bangers” like ‘Green Light’ and ‘Perfect Places,’ this album is an absolute rollercoaster, which is the only metaphor that fits life as a girl in your early 20s. I cannot wait to see what Lorde comes up with next, because if ‘Melodrama’ is anything to go by, she’s going to blow my fucking mind.

My highlight?: Sober II (Melodrama) because it never fails to take me back to summer 2017 when everything was just a fucking mess, I was questioning everything and this song fell into my lap at the exact right moment. “All the glamour, and the trauma, and the fucking melodrama” never sounded so relevant as it did when I was a terrified 21 year old.

2018: Trench by Twenty One Pilots

I will forever thank Josh for twenty one pilots being the first band he ever introduced me to when we first met. They’ve been a pivotal part of my life ever since. I’m such a lyric fiend, and Tyler Joseph is one of the modern greats. ‘Trench’ is their best work. I know that’s controversial, but sonically and lyrically, this record is unbelievable. With tracks that hark back to earlier work like ‘Levitate’ and ‘Nico & The Niners.’ all the way to absolutely brand new feeling, never heard anything like it tracks like ‘Pet Cheetah’ and ‘Cut My Lip,’ ‘Trench’ was the breath of fresh air we all needed in late 2018. And seeing this record on tour was an added treat. A must buy for any lyrical fiends like myself.

My highlight? Neon Gravestones. I ache everyday trying to match the vulnerability those lyrics convey. Writing that honestly about suicide and the aftermath floored me the first time I heard it, and still brings me to tears now. Stunningly heart wrenching.

2019: End Of Suffering by Frank Carter & The Rattlesnakes

Frank fucking Carter is a mastermind, one of my favourite frontmen to watch onstage and at the same time, is one of the sweetest, most humble people on the planet. I just love this record with my whole being. Josh and I have got to witness The Rattlesnakes live twice in the last year and they’re unreal. The energy they exude is mind boggling. With hip swaying, arm swaggering bangers like ‘Tyrant Lizard King’ and ‘Latex Dreams’ to tearjerking moments in ‘End Of Suffering’ and ‘Anxiety,’ this is a rock record that has it all. I could write essays about the lyrics alone for every single track on this album. It’s an album I’ve sought so much comfort from in the last twelve months, and I will forever be grateful to Frank for it.

My highlight? Angel Wings. Without a shadow of a doubt, one of my favourite songs of the last 10 years. Another song I’ll never be able to touch lyrically. “I’m collapsing under everything I’ve known, I feel quite a lot like I was born alone. Where do I go from here? Where will I roam? How do I survive the fear if fear is all I know?” Tears were 100% shed when I saw this live back in February. It’s a gift to be able to make someone feel like they’re the only person in the crowd when they’re surrounded by 10,000 strangers, but Frank fucking did it. And I owe him so much.

I am so sorry the final instalment took so long to be posted. Life sure gets in the way.

I hope you enjoyed this journey of the last 50 years of music as much as I enjoyed delving into my favourite records to compile this.

Thank you.

Claire. x

50 Years Of Records: 2000-2009

Part Four is here! I’ve decided to take on the task of writing a five part blog post on my favourite record from each year since 1970 all the way to 2019; 50 whole years of music.
I’ve had to be hard on myself: I can only use an artist ONCE. 
It’s the turn of the 2000s this week. This was the first decade where I started buying records with my own money, and started my lifelong obsession with music. Enjoy!

2000: Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park

It’s scary to think this album is 20 years old this month. This was the record that single-handedly put nu-metal on everyone’s radar. It’s a brilliant body of work. To most people, it’s probably hard to get past the massive anthems like ‘In The End’ and ‘Crawling,’ but I urge everyone to dig deeper, because there’s not a single sub-par track on here. Chester Bennington really placed himself as one of the most influential voices of a generation, of OUR generation.

My highlight?: ‘One Step Closer.’ I probably listen to this everyday. It’s THAT good.

2001: Take Off Your Pants & Jacket by Blink-182

Blink-182 were my introduction to the wonderful riot that is pop-punk. I’d never heard anything like it. Rock music that actually sounded almost happy? Almost joyous? And still contains more explicit language than anything else I’d ever heard?! Surely not. It was a whole new world for me. Blink, Sum 41, Bowling For Soup and Green Day were four of the bands I remember my dad having on a lot in the early 2000s, and that influenced me immensely. I think I must’ve been about 8 or 9 when I bought everything Blink had ever released with money I’d saved from my birthday, and I’ve never regretted it. Take Off Your Pants & Jacket is pop punk perfection at its absolute finest. A crude masterpiece.

My highlight?: ‘Reckless Abandon’ because “He took a shit in the bathroom tub, and fed the dog brownie drugs, tried hard not to get caught, he fucked a chick in the parking lot” is pure poetry.

2002: Audioslave by Audioslave

Take 3/4ths of Rage Against The Machine and put Chris Cornell from Soundgarden on vocals and you have the greatest thing that’s happened to rock music since Seattle revolutionised rock music in the early 90s. What a debut record. Few debut albums could beat this in terms of power, genius and sheer talent. When you have the best vocalist around teaming up with the greatest guitarist since Jimi Hendrix, you’re onto a winner. This is one of Chris Cornell’s finest moments vocally. From lung-busting tracks like ‘Gasoline’ and ‘Show Me How To Live’ to tear-jerking, sombre, yet ridiculously powerful songs like ‘I Am the Highway’ and ‘The Last Remaining Light,’ it physically hurts me when people tell me they’ve never taken the time to listen to even just one song. Get your earholes around this album because it’s a thing of beauty in every single way. The world was blessed when those four humans got into a room together.

My highlight?: ‘Show Me How To Live’ because it’s just everything you’d think Brad, Tom and Tim from Rage Against The Machine and Chris from Soundgarden would create and so much more. A perfect storm.

2003: Absolution by Muse

The greatest album in the world. I could sit here and write about this record for days. This album made me want to sit at a piano. This album made me want to train my voice so I could sing even 1/10th as well as Matt Bellamy could. This was the first album I ever bought with my pocket money and I’ve never looked back. My dad got me into Muse not long after they released ‘Origin of Symmetry’ in 2001, and I was hooked from them. I can still remember sitting on my bed with my CD Walkman in and reading the album insert of lyrics after buying this record. From the call to arms opening of ‘Apocalypse Please’ to brain-melting riffs from ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ and ‘Hysteria’ all the way to the piano masterpiece that is ‘Butterflies & Hurricanes’ and ‘Ruled By Secrecy,’ there is not a dull moment on this record. Put this album on repeat for the rest of my life and I’ll never complain, because 17 years on and I still listen to it at least 2-3 times a week in full. If anyone ever speaks to me about records, this will continue to be the first one I ever mention, because it’s completely and utterly flawless in my eyes.

My highlight?: Everything? I’ll go with ‘Apocalypse Please’ because it’s such a fucking PHENOMENAL album opener.

2004: Hot Fuss by The Killers

I can’t listen to this album without thinking back to when my childhood best friend and I would wander around the playground with one earphone each listening to this and scream over Brandon Flowers. Oh to be 8 years old again. Although I could live without hearing ‘Mr Brightside’ ever again, (come on folks, give it a rest, it’s not that good!) it’s the deep cuts that keep bringing me back to the beauty that is ‘Hot Fuss.’ ‘Andy, You’re A Star,’ ‘On Top,’ ‘Glamorous Indie Rock ‘n’ Roll,’ and ‘Midnight Show’ are some of The Killers greatest ever songs in my eyes. An album that will forever be able to transport me back to the simpler times of 2004 & 2005. A beauty.

My highlight?: ‘On Top’ because it’s just pure Killers at their finest. A favourite forever.

2005: X&Y by Coldplay

Believe me…I didn’t want to put Coldplay on here, but in all honesty, their first three records were basically flawless. X&Y came out not long after I moved up here, away from my the only friends I ever knew, and this album was near enough therapy for me as a 9 year old. Some of the songs on here, such as ‘X&Y,’ ‘Talk,’ ‘Square One,’ and ‘What If’ continue to make me sob like a baby. Chris Martin from 2000-2005 wrote some of the most heartbreakingly gorgeous songs I’ll ever hear. Don’t talk to me about the last 15 years of Coldplay though, that’s a whole other blog! ‘X&Y’ is a record that I will always hold dear to my heart because it was like a giant hug when I came back from my new school everyday. It was familiar. And I’ll never be able to praise this album enough for what it gave to me in terms of comfort.

My highlight?: ‘Square One.’ It’s just beautiful. End of story.

2006: Back To Black by Amy Winehouse

Imagine being 10 years old, dreaming of being able to sing like these insane rockstar frontmen and then hearing Amy Winehouse’s voice. I had been writing shitty little songs well before this album came out but the lyrics on this made me want to up my game and I can assure you that if it wasn’t for ‘Back To Black,’ I probably wouldn’t have written a lot of the songs I have done in my life. I also wouldn’t have taken singing so seriously without Amy. My music teacher heard me sing an Amy song in high school and she put all her focus on getting me trained in jazz singing. All because of Amy fucking Winehouse. I wouldn’t have gone on to study so hard on my voice without this album. Mark Ronson and Amy made a modern jazz masterpiece when they created this. There’s not a single bad song on here. It’s on another level, especially lyrically. She’s dearly missed.

My highlight?: ‘Wake Up Alone.’ There are few songs in the universe that I wish I’d written more than this.

2007: Avenged Sevenfold by Avenged Sevenfold

A7X’s self titled is an album that I could never tire of listening to. I was never into “super heavy” music, but when I let myself sink into this record in particular, there was so much more than that. There’s some majorly beautiful tracks like ‘Gunslinger’ and ‘Dear God’ along with some of the most insane guitar playing in songs like ‘Afterlife’ and ‘Critical Acclaim’ all the way to the 8 minute Tim Burton-esque horror-rock epic that is ‘A Little Piece Of Heaven.’ It’s crazy to think I was 11 years old singing along to lyrics like “Must’ve stabbed her 50 fucking times, ripped her heart out right before her eyes! Eat it! Eat it” but I digress…they really did become one of my favourite bands for years after this album. It’s so nice to go back and listen to their records because I just go right back in time with them. Nostalgia can be a good thing. Especially when it’s music.

My highlight?: ‘Scream’ because it’s one of the sexiest rock songs of the 21st century.

2008: The Age Of The Understatement by The Last Shadow Puppets

Oh the beauty that is Miles Kane and Alex Turner together. Some of the greatest lyrics in the last 30 years have come from this pair. With a major Scott Walker influence, armed with some of the most gorgeous string sections and lyrics, baby faced Alex Turner from Arctic Monkeys and Miles Kane from The Rascals, set making this filmic odyssey that somehow never soundtracked a single movie. I was a huge Arctics fan at this moment in time but The Puppets debut had eclipsed the Monkeys now. There was nothing on this record that I’d ever heard before. It was simply stunning. You need to own this album. It’s just wonderful.

My highlight?: ‘Separate & Ever Deadly’ because hearing Miles & Alex sing the lyric ‘biting butter and crumbs’ still gets me every single time. Only they could get away with it.

2009: Humbug by Arctic Monkeys

The Puppets may have eclipsed Arctic Monkeys for a little while until this mammoth record dropped into my life. I was 13 years old, I was in the throes of trying to write decent songs and then I hear the lyrics of tracks like ‘Crying Lightning’ and ‘Dance Little Liar’ and I wanted to give up because how could I even begin to be 1/100th as good as that?! Humbug is the greatest AM album. That’s my opinion, but it truly is sheer perfection in my eyes. They brought this dark Queens Of The Stone Age-vibe that just made them the best band around at that time. They seriously were a triple threat when this album came out, they had the lyrics, they now had the music that was this perfect balance of old indie Arctics and new, nostalgic and dark Last Shadow Puppets and they were now arena and festival headliners, by album THREE. The power this band has. I could write sonnets about how much I adore ‘Humbug.’

My highlight?: ‘Pretty Visitors,’ because not only did we name our band after a lyric from the song, but the lyric ‘what came first: the chicken or the dickhead?’ is pure and utter fucking genius, it angers me.

This was a super nostalgic post for me. I remember buying all of these records and listening to them for the first time, so being able to throw myself back into them all was a joy. I hope you find some gems in here yourself.

Thank you for reading.

Claire x

50 Years Of Records: 1990-1999

Part Three is here. I’ve decided to take on the task of writing a five part blog post on my favourite record from each year since 1970 all the way to 2019; 50 whole years of music.
I’ve had to be hard on myself: I can only use an artist ONCE. 
It’s the turn of the 90s this week. The first decade I’m writing about that I was actually alive for a whole 4 years of! Again, years such as 1991, 1994 & 1996 that were absolute hell to try and decide which album was my ultimate favourite. Enjoy:

1990: Violator by Depeche Mode

My first memory of Depeche Mode was probably 2000/2001(?) and the video for ‘Enjoy The Silence’ came on TV and my dad said “Did you know Dave Gahan died for a few minutes and then was brought back to life?” and it’s become something that we both HAVE to say anytime Depeche Mode gets mentioned to this day. There a band I would love to see live if I’m honest. I bought ‘Violator’ about 10 years ago now and I hate the fact I waited so long to get properly into them. It’s a beautifully produced collection of songs.

My highlight?: Enjoy The Silence. It reminds me so much of my childhood.

1991: Ten by Pearl Jam

Possibly my favourite record of the 90s ever? What a fucking blinder of a debut album this is. From Eddie’s snarling, chill-inducing vocals to Mike’s insane guitar work, ‘Ten’ is a work of art, and I could write for days about this one album. From the heartbreaking beauty of ‘Black’ and ‘Release’ to the sheer frenetic gems like ‘Once’ and ‘Why Go,’ there’s something for everyone on this record. The singles are all brilliant, obviously, but the deep cuts is where the utter genius of this album lies.

My highlight?: Why Go. Lyrically, I wish I could write something half as good as this. Musically, it makes me wanna go back in time and join that mosh pit at Pinkpop in ’92.

1992: Rage Against The Machine by Rage Against The Machine

No record has gained more relevance through time more than this has. Have you seen the state of the world? This is the perfect soundtrack. 28 years on and every track still resonates with the state of affairs right now. Tom Morello’s best guitar work of his career (he’s a genius, but this record just shows you WHY he’s still the greatest guitarist of the last 30 years.) Another album with not a single bang-average song on it. Every song is stacked to the rafters with riffs, spat out political truths & some of the best drum and bass work you’ll ever hear (god bless Tim and Brad!)

My highlight? Township Rebellion. “Why stand on a silent platform? Fight the war. Fuck the norm” will forever be some of my favourite lyrics. There’s also some INCREDIBLE cowbell work in this and I’m a sucker for a cowbell. Just an insanely huge track, this.

1993: In Utero by Nirvana

I know most people would probably choose ‘Nevermind’ as their top Nirvana album. And I don’t judge that one bit. But ‘In Utero’ is just so much more raw, powerful and perfectly imperfect in my opinion. With ‘kick you in the face’ tracks like ‘Scentless Apprentice’ and ‘Tourette’s,’ which is still some of Dave Grohl’s greatest ever drum work of his career, to the more subdued nature of ‘Pennyroyal Tea’ and ‘Dumb,’ I personally think this record is the best work Kurt Cobain ever produced. Lyrically, it’s so fucking dark, you knew this guy wasn’t in a good place. You FEEL that when you listen to ‘In Utero.’ I wouldn’t have been able to write a lot of songs that I have done in my life without this album existing. And I thank Kurt everyday for it.

My highlight? All Apologies. An obvious choice? Perhaps. But you can’t really beat this. Especially as an album closer. Spectacular.

1994: Superunknown by Soundgarden

I wouldn’t exist without this album. I honestly would not be alive right now if it wasn’t for this record. This album is a 15 track piece of perfection. I have never made it through the whole of ‘Superunknown’ without bursting into tears at least once. That’s how powerful that specific concoction of music and lyrics is. Chris Cornell’s vocals are unparalleled forever anyway, but this album is his best work. Period. Yeah, it has the singles like ‘Black Hole Sun’ and ‘Spoonman,’ which are the two first Soundgarden tracks I ever heard as a kid. I even have a Black Hole Sun tattoo. Musically, this album is something else but lyrically, it’s sheer genius. There’s nothing more I can add to that. It’s the darkness of depression, the fear of anxiety and the curse of addiction all flawlessly, yet heartbreakingly, rolled into one perfect rock album.

My highlight? The Day I Tried To Live. If I had to do this tomorrow, I’d probably choose a different song. But right now? This song is Soundgarden at their very best. A once in a lifetime band.

1995: Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morissette

There’s a reason why this record sold over 33 million copies worldwide. It’s perfect. No one will ever match Alanis’ power. Alanis has one of the most distinctive voices of all time, and I don’t know how many times I’ve listened to this album, but her voice still sends chills down my body. There’s no better aggressive break-up song in history than ‘You Oughta Know’ and that’s just a fact. (Sorry T-Swift fans!) The tracklist is just phenomenal. Another 90s album with no single bad song on it. She produced what people like me could only dream of doing in our lifetime. Not just a gem of a 90s album, but a jewel in the crown of the greatest albums of all time.

My highlight?: Hand In My Pocket. Again, if you asked me tomorrow, I’d probably choose something else, but this is just something else. Quintessential Alanis.

1996: Unplugged by Alice In Chains

The 90s truly blessed us with some of the darkest characters with the most otherworldly voices. Layne Staley was a gift. That voice wasn’t human. Their studio records are brilliant, and I didn’t want to use a live album, but this MTV Unplugged was just a bit too special not to include on this list. To hear that voice in a stripped back setting still brings me to tears. This is a truly beautiful and haunting album, and I really do hope I put at least one person who reads this onto listening to this because you won’t regret it.

My highlight? Would? Everytime. It just never gets old. That intro. Those vocals in the chorus. Complete and utter flawlessness.

1997: OK Computer by Radiohead

One of the first bands my dad ever put me onto, and I’m forever grateful for that. (Still mentally scarred over the Street Spirit video! I was only three or four, don’t judge! It still spooks me!) I definitely don’t think I’d be the person I am today without Radiohead, and especially without this album. I don’t call many albums “masterpieces” but this one truly deserves that accolade. Every time I listen to it in its entirety, the scenes I end up creating in my head…god, it’s just the most beautiful soundtrack to the mess that is life. I also wake up every morning wishing I wrote the lyrics of ‘No Surprises’ because that is pure lyrical genius. God bless Thom Yorke.

My highlight?: Paranoid Android. I think seeing it live solidified its status as my favourite Radiohead track of all time. Genius. A work of art. *insert all of the compliments here* because it’s just THAT good.

1998: Without You I’m Nothing by Placebo

This album is just SO wonderfully 90s, but it still stands the test of time. I’ve loved Placebo for most of my life. There’s no voice quite like Brian Molko’s. There’s also no band quite like Placebo. Imagine getting David fucking Bowie to add vocals to the title track for your SECOND ALBUM (the single version that is! He loved it so much, they recorded a version with Bowie!) That’s power. That’s talent. A band far too many people sleep on. They are still releasing brilliant music to this day, and that’s not an easy feat for a band who’s been going for almost 30 years. Get your ears around this album. It’s a must.

My highlight?: Every You Every Me. It’s still my go-to Placebo song. A classic.

1999: There Is Nothing Left To Lose by Foo Fighters

I treasure every single memory I have of the Foo Fighters. They’re one of the very first bands I remember falling in love with and realising they were going to be a special part of my life forever. From the first time I saw the goofy as fuck video for ‘Learn To Fly’ as a toddler to the first time I got to witness Dave Grohl mere feet away from me, they’ve soundtracked some of the highest highs and the lowest of lows in my life. This album is my personal favourite of theirs. From the HUGE record openers of ‘Stacked Actors’ & ‘Breakout’ to the deeper, and arguably some of their best, tracks like ‘Next Year’ and ‘Ain’t It The Life,’ you could lock me in a room for the rest of my life with this album on repeat and I would never complain. It’s that much of a genius record in my eyes. The power of Dave Grohl is unmatched. A true legend.

My highlight? Learn To Fly. Obviously. I have a goddamn tattoo for that song, I really wasn’t going to choose anything else, was I? My introduction to Foos and it’s still one of my all time favourite tracks in the world.

Thank you for letting me rave about my personal favourite albums of the 90s. I hope you discover (or revisit) something beautiful for yourself.

Claire x

50 Years Of Records: 1980-1989

As I said previously, I’ve decided to take on the task of writing a five part blog post on my favourite record from each year since 1970 all the way to 2019; 50 whole years of music.
I’ve had to be hard on myself: I can only use an artist ONCE.
It’s the turn of the marvellous 80s this week. And this was HELL to compile. I think at one point, I was trying to choose between 11 albums alone for 1989.

1980: Bad Reputation by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

Joan Jett will forever be one of my favourite women in the world. What a powerhouse. She’s the most badass woman on the planet and ‘Bad Reputation’ is a record that proves that 100%. Between the big singles on there, her cover of Lesley Gore’s ‘You Don’t Own Me’ is an underrated gem.

My highlight?: Bad Reputation. Every single time. It never gets old.

1981: Private Eyes by Hall & Oates

Full disclosure: I used to be really embarrassed to admit that I love Hall & Oates. I have no idea why. I know I was an idiot for feeling like that because they’re absolutely phenomenal. Two big singles came off this record (Private Eyes & I Can’t Go For That) but some of the best tracks are definitely the deeper cuts such as Some Men and Looking For A Good Sign. Pop done perfectly.

My highlight? Private Eyes. It’s a karaoke classic for a reason. And those hand claps? Iconic. What a track to open an album.

1982: Thriller by Michael Jackson

I knew when I got to 1982 there was no competition with this. Thriller is flawless. I remember my brother and I fighting over my mum’s mint condition vinyl of this she got when it came out. We grew up being massive MJ fans. There is not one song on here that I have the heart to skip when it comes on. I love every single fucking song on this album. The opening track, ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin,’ will forever stand as one of my favourite songs to sing to. Michael’s ad-libbing is out of this world.

My highlight? I toyed with just copping out of choosing only one and saying “all of them” but Human Nature is truly special. (Billie Jean nearly beat it though)

1983: War by U2

Oh I know I’m going to get heavily judged for choosing a U2 record. I was caught between ‘War’ and ‘Speaking In Tongues’ by Talking Heads. Both bring me so much nostalgia. My dad spoke so highly of both bands (only early U2 though) that it was only natural that I dug deeper into their back catalogues when I got older. ‘War’ is a brilliant album. Imagine opening an album with a song like ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’?! The sheer brilliance U2 brought to the world in the 80s was unreal.

My highlight? New Year’s Day. I just adore it. Always have, always will.

1984: Purple Rain by Prince

My heart crumbled when Prince left this world 4 1/2 years ago. I love every single song Prince has ever done and I’m still discovering songs all the time because the man was just a songwriting machine. The man was the definition of a genius. Again, every song on this record is a masterpiece. That holy trinity of Darling Nikki, When Doves Cry and I Would Die 4 U right in the middle of the record? Untouchable.

My highlight? Let’s Go Crazy. One of my favourite album openers of all time. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called ‘life'” still sends chills down my spine. There will never be another one quite like Prince.

1985: Hounds Of Love by Kate Bush

I remember the first time I saw the wonder that is Kate Bush on television for the first time; I must’ve been no older than 4 years old. It was an old episode of Top Of The Pops and she was doing Wuthering Heights. That voice blew my fucking mind. As I got older, I realised a lot of the females I was looking up to in music cited Kate Bush as a huge influence and I fell harder and faster in love with her. I listen to this record all the time because it just transports me far away from everything else. A queen forever.

My highlight?: Running Up That Hill. There is no song in the world that I wish I wrote more than this. The 80s had flawless album openers because they all seem to be my favourite tracks.

1986: Graceland by Paul Simon

You need cheering up? Throw on Graceland and you will be the happiest human being for a whole 45 minutes. Believe me. ‘Graceland,’ ‘The Boy In The Bubble’ and ‘You Can Call Me Al’ went on to be massive singles from this record. Some of my favourites actually, but the deep cuts are also just brilliant. Paul recorded this in South Africa and you can just feel that throughout the entire album. It’s just a truly iconic record.

My highlight? Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes. You cannot be unhappy when you hear that song. It’s just not possible.

1987: Kick by INXS

My favourite record of the 80s. Hands down. Easy. Michael Hutchence is a huge reason why I dress, sing and write the way I do. Another band my dad was a huge fan of, it was the first album he really urged me to buy. And my GOD, am I eternally grateful for that. I must listen to this album at least three to four times a week? It’s just that fucking unbelievably perfect. Opening with ‘Guns In The Sky’ and then hitting through major hit singles ‘Need You Tonight,’ ‘New Sensation,’ and ‘Never Tear Us Apart.’ There clearly is no such thing as a lacklustre song on this whole album.

My highlight? Devil Inside. Another song I’m desperately sad to say I didn’t write. A banger. It was so difficult to choose. Mystify nearly pipped it to the post.

1988: Surfer Rosa by Pixies

I think everyone can remember where they were when they first heard ‘Where Is My Mind?’ That song changed my life. Surfer Rosa is a beautiful record. With tracks like ‘Gigantic’ and ‘Cactus,’ this album was the perfect precursor to what was going to happen a few years later in the early 90s with alternative rock. Pixies were pivotal in music. A lot of your favourite bands wouldn’t exist without them.

My highlight? Where Is My Mind? Yes, it’s predictable but few songs are more gorgeous than this.

1989: Disintegration by The Cure

Out of all the bands my dad listened to when I was a kid, no band stuck out to me more than The Cure. Robert Smith was the most enigmatic and strangest looking person I’d ever seen and I was legitimately fascinated by him. I love every Cure record but Disintegration truly is the best. I got to witness The Cure live a whole 30 years after they released this and they’re still on top form. I wouldn’t have written a lot of the songs I have if it wasn’t for this album in particular. Could you imagine having just one album that has tracks such as ‘Plainsong,’ ‘Pictures Of You’ and ‘Lullaby’?! Pure genius. My second favourite record of the 80s. Without a shadow of a doubt.

My highlight? Fascination Street. That bassline alone would’ve sold me but the entire song is just 5 minutes of pure and utter greatness.

I’ll be uploading my 90s blog in a week’s time. Get your ears around these albums. The 80s was pure bliss.

Thank you for reading! 

Claire x

50 Years Of Records: 1970-1979

Sorry it’s been a solid 4 months since I last posted. I’ve felt so uninspired, low and at a complete and utter loss over what to write.
I’ve decided to take on this mammoth task of writing a five part blog post on my favourite record from each year since 1970 all the way to 2019. 50 whole years of music.
I’ve had to be hard on myself: I can only use an artist ONCE. If I didn’t do that, this entire post would just be Queen, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Bowie, Soundgarden, Muse & Foo Fighters.
You’re probably wondering why 2020 isn’t on there, and it’s because I always do a ‘Top 10 Albums of…’ in December of each year and there’s still so many records to come out between now and then so I’m saving it for that!
I hope you enjoy this wee journey into the some of the greatest records of all time and I urge you all to listen to them because they all hold such a dear place in my heart.

1970: Paranoid by Black Sabbath

There is not one bad thing about this record. How can there be when they open their album with fucking WAR PIGS?! It’s just pure perfection. From Ozzy’s snarling vocals, Tony’s unbelievable riffs, Geezer’s iconic basslines and Bill’s instantly recognisable drumming, you’ll be hard pressed to find a better heavy metal record.

My highlight?: WAR FUCKING PIGS.

1971: Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin

Robert Plant’s spine-tingling vocals were one of the first things I ever remembering hearing as a child. Growing up in a household where music was celebrated was a bonus, but my mum definitely favoured Queen & Led Zeppelin over everyone else. Thank god. Led Zeppelin IV is a masterclass in rock & roll. There was no band in history tighter than Plant, Page, Jones & Bonham. If you don’t instantly think of Led Zeppelin when someone mentions classic rock, then I really don’t know what’s wrong with you because they will forever be the epitome of rock. The greatest.

My highlight? Stairway To Heaven because…it’s Stairway To Heaven. It never gets old. Although, When The Levee Breaks nearly pipped it.

1972: The Rise & Fall Of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars // David Bowie

There’s few albums I absolutely 100% urge everyone to own a copy of, but this is one of them. Everyone needs to own this because it’s one of my favourite bodies of work in history. Bowie was out of this world. It’s true what they say; the world truly has gone to shit since he left this place. I truly adore nearly every Bowie record, but this one is just super special to me; there’s not one song I would ever dream of skipping.

My highlight? Moonage Daydream. Without a doubt my favourite Bowie song forever.

1973: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road // Elton John

Fun fact: Elton John was my first ever gig at the age of 11. I have to thank my dad for that because without that show, I don’t think I would even have half the appreciation for Elton’s back catalogue that I do now. I listen to this record a lot, especially when I’m writing myself, and it still blows my mind just how many fucking massive HITS are on one single album. Elton also makes me so angry because I realise just how shit I am at piano when I listen to his songs. A mastermind.

My highlight: The title track: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. It’s pop perfection.

1974: Get Your Wings by Aerosmith

Oh Aerosmith. I’ve been in an imaginary relationship with Steven Tyler since I can remember. I wish I was kidding. I am so madly in love with this whole band and will be until the end of time. I remember the first time I heard that insane voice/scream/falsetto, I must’ve been three or four (I was watching Mrs Doubtfire, obviously!) and they’ve been in my life ever since. Hearing that voice in the flesh (twice, may I add, and I still live to tell the tale!) is unbelievable. They’re in their fucking 70s and put most modern bands to shame with their live performances. 1974 was a bleak year for albums but Get Your Wings is brilliant.

My highlight? Same Old Song & Dance. It showcases just how brilliant each member of Aerosmith truly are.

1975: A Night At The Opera by Queen

Ah, I finally get to rave about my favourite album from the 20th century. Living in a household with a mother who had not only seen Queen twice and TOUCHED Freddie Mercury’s leg, but MET THE GODDAMN BAND, you weren’t allowed to go without your daily dose of Queen. This record is flawless. I could write essays upon essays about this album (but I won’t, don’t worry!) Yes, it houses Bohemian Rhapsody, and that sadly overshadows the sheer beauty of songs like ’39, The Prophet’s Song, Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon and my personal favourite, Death On Two Legs. I think I’ve managed to listen to Queen every single day since I can remember. They’ve been such a massive part of my life and they always will be. What a fucking beautiful band.

My highlight: Death On Two Legs. It’s the greatest ‘fuck you’ song of all time. No question.

1976: Dreamboat Annie by Heart

Ann and Nancy Wilson are queens. Before “Seattle Bands” became a big thing in the early 90s, Heart were Seattle. I wouldn’t have been able to write a lot of the stuff I’ve written without the Wilson sisters. Which is the absolute truth. Ann and Nancy are criminally underrated. Ann’s voice is ridiculous and Nancy is still a guitar hero, she’d still put most of these young ones to shame. You’ll see later on in the blog that I would die for Stevie Nicks and Joan Jett but Ann & Nancy are the true originals for me. Dreamboat Annie is absolute perfection and it’s just pure 70s. The ultimate driving album. Imagine being able to open your record with a track like ‘Magic Man.’ Flawless.

My highlight? Crazy On You. There’s few songs I wish I could’ve written more than this. I listen to it every single day. It’s just THAT good.

1977: Rumours by Fleetwood Mac

As if I would’ve chosen anything else for ’77? Rumours IS 1977 for me. I just love how messy, drama-laden and honest this album is. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched the ‘Classic Albums’ episode about this record but it reels me in every single time because two broken down relationships within one band is just so tragic yet hilarious to me. Every song is perfect. Stevie and Christine’s voices were some of the first female vocals I remember hearing and they weren’t perfect, which made me think “oh, maybe I can do this then!”

My highlight? You Make Loving Fun. I know, I didn’t choose a massive single off the album, but it’s my favourite Fleetwood Mac song after Big Love. Christine is a star on this.

1978: Parallel Lines by Blondie

Debbie Harry is a queen and Parallel Lines lies in pop record royalty for all time. It was my dad that got me into Blondie when I was super young, and I remember hearing One Way Or Another in what seemed like every “revenge” scene in a TV show or movie as a young child. Between that and tracks such as Hanging On The Telephone, Heart Of Glass and I’m Gonna Love You Too, I just think this album is brilliant. So many riffs and melodies on Parallel Lines remind me so much of the first couple of Ramones albums, which I also adore. Melodic perfection.

My highlight? One Way Or Another. I will never tire of that song.

1979: Damn The Torpedoes by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

When I think of the Sound City studios, this is the record I think of first. If you haven’t watched Sound City, do it because it’s the best music documentary I’ve ever seen and I’ve watched it at least 50 times in the last 7 years. Damn The Torpedoes is my favourite Heartbreakers album, and always will be. I could listen to it all day. Tom’s voice was so insanely unique and I miss him everyday.

My highlight? Refugee. Always and forever. What a song. What an album opener. Another song I listen to every single day. Absolutely brilliant.

I’ll HOPEFULLY get the 80s albums up in the next few days. Get your ears around these albums first. You won’t be disappointed.

Thank you for reading!

Claire x

Three Years…

If you told me three years ago, I would still be in and out of grief counselling and on the highest dosage of anti-depressants I’ve ever been on during my 12 years of my depression diagnosis, I’d call you crazy.
Yet, it’s me who feels like the crazy one; I’m 24 years old, still using the toxic coping mechanisms I was using from the age of 10, my mood swings are ridiculous, the darkness and brain fog I struggle through day in day out is getting heavier and I’m really just fed up, if I’m totally honest.
But I made a promise to myself I’d always write a post on this day because I am constantly wanting to try and understand my grief, and be open about it because it’s a real thing every single person goes through. My grief over someone I didn’t know. I still feel shame, embarrassment and like a complete and utter failure to my friends & family, but there has to be some sort of validity to it if it’s making me feel quite this bad, or so my therapist says.

I’ve not had a recurring nightmare for a long time, so when I started having the same nightmare almost every night for the last 4/5 weeks, it’s sending me into this cesspit of despair. I’m not going into the ins and outs of it until I get to finally speak to my therapist after this godawful lockdown, but I can say it does involve Chris.
Most days, I can sit and if any of his songs come on, I can sing along, smile and not think too much about the ending of his life. Then there are the “doom days,” those are the days I have panic attack after panic attack, migraines galore, fits of rage and hysterical crying. I have absolutely no control over my body when these days happen. I relapse with my self harm every single one of these days occur. I feel like I regress back into being this terrified 11 year old who’s scared of the world and doesn’t want to live long enough to experience it.
Not long after Chris died, I was staying at one of my aunt’s for the night down in Glasgow and, like the majority of my family, she was heavily into music, and we’d talk about it for hours. She genuinely seemed to be worried about how I was coping with the news of his death. So when she asked, I folded like a deckchair. I bawled my eyes out because it was so relieving to have someone in my life who didn’t really see me very often, but knew me, knew what I was like and I knew she wasn’t going to go to my parents and explain what I was telling her.
At this point, I had only been to one counseling session for grief. My aunt, who understands mental health better than anyone else I know, simply said “it’s understandable why you feel like this. You lost a mentor.” And it was like this weight on my chest had been lifted off. After 5 long months of struggling to breathe at the mention of his name, there was some form of explanation.
Hearing her explain the way my parents separated, I had gone from seeing my father everyday to every other week for a couple of days and I always sought out comfort in music, so music was a constant parent for me, it was unreal to me. I have looked up to so many people in music throughout my life, and losing any of them to suicide especially, floors me because they’re the ones who have dragged me out of that place.
Not only did Chris’ suicide affect me in ways I could never have imagined, but TMZ decided to release the pictures of the scene from his hotel room, and those images still haunt me. I didn’t seek these out before anyone starts to accuse me. Someone I barely know on social media messaged me them one by one. Obviously, no body was there, but seeing his guitar sitting next to his bed, his sunglasses and medication on the table, it was just like a normal scene and then there was the bathroom…having the image of Chris’ blood up splashed up against the side of a bath and on the floor has never left me. Trying to heal from that? It’s like asking the impossible of me.
I’ve lost so many more heroes since Chris left us three years ago. A lot of them due to medical issues, and that’s a little bit easier to work through the grief of that because it’s explainable. I watch Soundgarden’s last show in Detroit an hour before he took his own life every so often, and yes, it’s hell to watch it because his eyes seem a little heavy and he doesn’t feel completely present, but his voice still soars and he still holds fans’ hands for dear life. The stage was his happy place. So to know he stepped off that stage, went into a car back to his hotel room, called his wife to say he took an extra dose of his anti-anxiety medication and then he was gone by the time his security guard to knock down his door all within that hour sends chills down my spine everytime I think about it.
The sheer amount of lives his words, his voice and his general being have saved and given purpose to fills me with so much guilt because no one could get to him in time. No one could save one of the people I admire the most in this world.
I’ve realised during this time that I’m not weak for asking for help. I may feel embarrassed and ashamed, but I shouldn’t. Trying to realise that my feelings are valid is near impossible most days, but I’m reminded by so many people they matter and that it’s OK not to be OK.
If anyone is struggling, please do not hesitate to speak to your GP or a helpline like Samaritans, because the hardest part is the initial plea for help. It’s so fucking difficult, I can’t even begin to put it into words, but once it’s done, there’s plans in place, you feel about 193857lbs lighter and it makes you worry a little less than you did the day before.
I know it’s extremely boring when I spew out my thoughts but I owed this to myself to bring myself to do this today, so if you read this, thank you.
Loud love. Always.