T/W: mentions of self harm, eating disorders, body image and mental health. please do not read any further if any of these topics are triggering to you.
It’s been a little while since I wrote a blog entry. I started a new job, which is thankfully going well. It’s almost liberating to be able to go home everyday and not spend the entire night stressed out about what lies ahead for me when I go back in the next day.
Anyway, unfortunately my mental health still isn’t in a great place. Same goes with my physical health. Before lockdown started, my doctors were in the process of trying to kick off some form of treatment for my eating disorder. I’m obviously still waiting for this. Having an ED is all-consuming; I’m drained 24/7. I constantly think about food, whether I want to or not.
For the first time, I’m shitting myself writing this to be honest, but I’m gonna be completely open and honest and start from the beginning. I remember the actual SECOND my eating disorder started, obviously I didn’t know it was going to be following me almost 14 years on.
I was 11 years old. My mum frequently bought celebrity gossip magazines. During that time, you’d probably be hard pressed to find a mother who didn’t buy those magazines. Of course I ended up picking them up time to time. I remember as clear as day seeing the pictures of Victoria Beckham and David Beckham being welcomed to LA standing in between Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes & Jada Pinkett Smith. I can categorically say that picture of Victoria Beckham kickstarted my ED.
I also want to add I hold absolutely zero hatred towards her. It wasn’t her fault. The way magazines wrote about her, it was like that was the ideal. At the time, I felt like I was a pudgy, ugly & worthless 11 year old. I was already around a year into self harm at this point, and I thought maybe dieting was a better alternative to physically hurting myself.
Oh, adolescent Claire, how wrong you were. My dieting exacerbated the self harm. I was self-mutilating up to 5 times a day. I was living off of water, half a cucumber and a whole red pepper a day. If I had to eat dinner with my family, I’d push it around my plate and maybe manage 3-4 bites maximum. I would also exercise for at least 30 minutes after I came home from school. I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD.
I told every child psychiatrist, psychologist and GP I had at the time for years, and I wasn’t underweight, so it was a case of “You have body dysmorphia, most teenagers do, you’ll grow out of it.”
For reference, I got this (size small) t-shirt below for Christmas in 2009. I was 13 years old. This picture here is me today (14/03/21) and it still fits me. I am almost 25 years old. My eating disorder only got, partially may I add, diagnosed a little over a year ago. Before that, it was solely Body Dysmorphia Disorder that I was fully diagnosed with. I wasn’t seen to have any form of eating disorder because I wasn’t “dangerously underweight.”
I grew out of the crash diets pretty quickly. I then went to calorie counting, which unfortunately still completely overtakes my life to this day. If I go out for a meal and I don’t know the calorie count, the guilt that consumes me for the rest of the day/night makes me convince myself that I don’t need to eat anything further. Obviously it concerns me, and it concerns the ones I love. The amount of times I’ve broken down over food is hideous come to think of it.
It’s trying to tell people I don’t willingly want to be like this. I’ve been asking for help for well over a decade now and it’s palmed off with “Well, you’re not dangerously underweight, so we’re not going to do anything.” I feel like I don’t have the right to ask for treatment because I’m not dying, but I can assure you, I think I maybe enjoy food 5% of the time. 95% of the time, I hate thinking about food, I hate the thought and chore of eating and it’s horrible.
Anxiety doesn’t help EDs. Depression doesn’t help EDs. And obviously, having body dysmorphia is horrific when trying to recover from an ED.
I hate how frustrated I make people when I say that I feel huge today, or I shouldn’t eat that because of the calorie count, and I get responses like “you can afford to eat that,” or “you need that more than anyone else” because I personally don’t feel like that. And I will never expect anybody who hasn’t gone through it to understand, but I just wish it was spoken about with no stigma. Mental health disorders aren’t even touched upon in schools, and I think it’s bang out of order. I was made to feel like a nuisance because I had appointments and consultations all the time during my time in high school. I had a select few teachers who were beyond supportive, but it was brushed under the carpet most of the time. It was one of the main reasons I left to go into college, where I actually had a full time mental health worker within the building I could go to if things were starting to pile on top of me.
In terms of everything I’ve been treated for and given medication and therapy to counterbalance issues, my eating disorder has fallen by the wayside. It’s always been treated as a side effect.
I’m so open about everything because I don’t want anyone to ever think they have to be ashamed of having a mental health condition. I hate what I go through on a daily basis, and I am well aware that there are thousands of people out there who have it worse than me, but my feelings and thoughts are valid. And that’s taken me years to acknowledge.
Yes, I cry over this shit on a daily basis (yes, Josh is a saint and I would be completely lost without his support over the last few years) and it’s a slog for those around me too. I know it’s not easy, and I profusely apologise to everyone all the time because I know how much hard work it is a lot of the time. I’m so incredibly lucky to be able to say my best friends are still the best friends I had as a pre-teen/young teenager. We’ve all been through every little shitty thing together, and we’re stronger and better off from it. We understand that we may go weeks without speaking, but we also know that if something major happens, we’re all there for each other.
Embarrassingly so, I’ve had Kitkat in my life since I was 9 years old and he’s been cried on and used as a pet therapist since he was tiny. He’s one of the only constants I’ve ever had.
I’m also majorly lucky that I’ve had music the whole way through and whether it’s a CD, a live DVD or a proper live show, it’s my escapism, it’s my life.
I have listed below any helplines and handy websites if you are struggling with any of this. If you feel you or someone you love is suffering with anything I’ve mentioned, please call your GP and share your concerns, because asking for any help is without a doubt the hardest step in any sort of recovery. And I have everything crossed I will develop a healthier relationship with food in the future (once Covid has dispersed a little bit and I can finally enter some form of treatment.)
Stay safe and thank you for reading.
Claire x
Helplines & handy websites:
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/
The Mind Boggles... 