Don’t worry, I do remember I have a blog.
I’m not gonna beat around the bush because we’re all in the same shitty situation with this lockdown, but myself and thousands of others are full on struggling with their mental health along with being in the house 24/7 apart from a once a day walk.
I needed to write again and I have the worst block songwriting wise so I frantically messaged Josh to help me come up with a subject I can spew some words onto a page about. The end result? My favourite personalities in music. This is ranging from influencing myself and the wider world, the way they carry themselves and/or anything that sticks out about their personality that attracted me to them.
I’m going to link a video I feel is a great representation for each of them as well. I hope this helps anyone who needs to peel themselves away from the news for a while (I’ve blacklisted all news sites for the next 48 hours just to get a fucking break!)
Let’s get started! These are in no particular order because I would literally be here for days to decide that.
Dave Grohl
I want to start with the most positive, brightest and charismatic person in music: Mr Dave Grohl.
I became a fan of Dave, along with his band Foo Fighters, when I was probably 3 or 4 after seeing the Learn To Fly video as a toddler. It was by far the funniest music video I’d ever seen, and that still stands to this day. Thankfully both my parents were big fans of them so my brother and I were exposed to their records all throughout our childhood. As I started reading any books and magazines I could get my hands on about music, I became more and more obsessed with it. As a teenager, all I did was read and write about, listen to and play music. (Not much has changed apart from the fact I have a full time job now.) I’m going to confidently say Dave Grohl was my main inspiration for leaving school early and bite the bullet and study music performance at 16. As much I missed school, my mental health was really starting to take a turn for the worse. I met so many brilliant people of all ages at college and I credit these brilliantly inspiring videos where Dave would preach about doing the things you love and following them through. I’ve seen Foo Fighters live 4 times now over the last 4 1/2 years, so I’ve heard a fair few Dave speeches in person and witnessed a band I spent most of my childhood admiring doing what they do best. I still can’t stand and watch them play ‘Everlong’ without bawling. I’m going to link his keynote speech he did at SXSW. I could probably quote this word for word. It’s lengthy, but my god, is it worth it. I watch this when I feel a bit down in my own abilities, especially musically. It never fails to bring me back up and build up that confidence slowly but surely. I also recommend his Sonic Highways docuseries and Sound City documentary if you’re a bit of a music nut. You won’t regret it.
Freddie Mercury
Next up is the irreplaceable and forever missed Freddie Mercury. I was brought up by the biggest Queen fan about, so it was almost inevitable that I’d end up a complete slave to Queen and all things Freddie. I vividly remember getting a CD walkman when I was 5 or 6 and having no CDs for it. So I had to “borrow” from my parents. The first one I remember sneaking out of my mum’s room was ‘Jazz’ by Queen. I can’t tell you how much your world you thought you knew as a small child becomes completely boring when you first hear Freddie sing that intro of ‘Mustapha.’ That album was one of the very first that completely changed my life. My mum got to see Queen live twice in the 80s, and her claim to fame continues to be “I met them and touched Freddie’s leg when he was onstage.” She also makes an appearance near the start of their DVD of the Milton Keynes Bowl concert.
I’m forever saddened that I’ll never be able to see Freddie live. He fought his illness so courageously and he couldn’t give a single fuck about what people thought of him. I could sit and watch live videos of Queen for days on end. The energy he exuded was electric. His voice didn’t just span over a vast range, but it was genre defying; he could sing anything. The man was something else and his talent will continue to inspire me every day.
Amy Winehouse
I have the angel that is Amy Winehouse to forever be in debt to. I bought ‘Back To Black’ when it was released in 2006. I was 10 years old. I had never heard a voice like it and I had never heard write lyrics like she did and sing them with so much pain and passion behind them. About a year after that, I was gifted by someone in my family with a piano, vocal and guitar book covering the whole of that record. I studied it for months and started to take it all seriously, especially singing. I went into high school after that summer and I was so excited for my music class, I was already equipped with my Muse and Amy Winehouse vocal and piano books (along with CDs with instrumentals!) Most people in my class chose vocals or guitar in music, when my music teacher lined all the budding vocalists and gave us a line from Stealer Wheel’s ‘Stuck In The Middle With You’ each to sing. She then marked us out of 10. Every single person got 10/10…apart from me, who got 9/10. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I wanted to die, and I was 12 years old. And this was at the very early stages of my mental health issues, so it messed me up more than I cared to admit. She then asked me to stay behind after the bell went. I instantly apologised for not being as good as everyone else. She simply replied with “I only scored you a 9/10 because I know you can grow from that. No 12 year old should be able to sing like that. I know we can do so much with you.” And that was that. That woman became almost like a second mother to me. She asked me to bring in and sing something for her. I sang ‘Wake Up Alone’ by Amy Winehouse and that was that. She threw me all the Amy Winehouse, Tom Waits & Ella Fitzgerald songs she could and we worked up from jazz to rock, and all the way to Italian arias. If it wasn’t for Amy, I would’ve never got the confidence to work so hard vocally. She came at a time when I needed her the most. I was devastated when she passed when I was only 15. My boyfriend and I’s anniversary oddly enough falls on the anniversary of her death. I think about her a lot and it breaks my heart. She’ll forever hold a special place in my heart. Because that’s what she was: So so special.
Matt Bellamy
Matt Bellamy…my first love, my first hero and my favourite human being in music. Muse were the first band I loved. It’s all thanks to my dad I became a fan of them. He seemed to permanently have MTV2 (now known as MTV Rocks) on when I was a kid and I remember seeing the video for ‘Plug In Baby’ and the rest is history. I owned every magazine and CD that had anything to do with Muse. I begged my parents to see them every time they toured and I finally got to go in 2009, a whole 8 years after that first time listening to them. I’m now 24 and I’ve seen them 12 times and they make up so much of my life. Matt Bellamy didn’t only inspire me vocally, he made me finally stick at piano (I still suck, but hey, at least I can get by with the stuff I’ve taught myself) and he was my first style icon. When I first got into Muse, Matt didn’t really have a style, but throughout the years, he’s just become so unapologetic and bold and I’m all for it. Much to the dismay of Josh, I own so many items of clothing he deems as “embarrassing” but I’m obsessed. I don’t think I’d have the nerve to wear some of that stuff if it wasn’t for Matt. And I definitely wouldn’t still be pushing myself vocally all these years on if he wasn’t around. His falsetto is magic and I didn’t really think I could hit those notes, or believed in myself to, until my music teacher encouraged me to sing Muse’s version of ‘Feeling Good’ onstage at a rock night when I was 14 and she couldn’t believe I did it….nor could my parents and they’re the poor ones who listened to me sing all of my life. I still don’t have half as much faith or confidence in myself as the people in my life do. There’s millions of other people better than me…the Matt Bellamys of the world. He’s everything to me, and will continue to be. No one fascinates me and captivates me more as a live performer as he does. Forever obsessed, thankful and blessed that he continues to inspire me after all this time.
Frank Carter
Frank Carter…It’s so refreshing to see someone in music who looks like someone you’d be terrified to bump into a dark alley but find out they’re the sweetest, softest and kindest person about. I didn’t jump on the Frank Carter bandwagon until about a year ago, but thank god I did. I bought his ‘End Of Suffering’ record that came out last year and I was blown away. This man, who’s covered head to toe in tattoos, has the most manic looking eyes and looks like he could kill you if you looked at him the wrong way, had written and sung gut spilling lyrics about mental health, the constant fear of wronging his daughter and heartbreak. It was something else. Even in interviews and when he speaks to fans, he is the most open, nurturing and loving human. It’s so inspiring. I’ve been writing songs for years and I’ve only ever been able to write things that are completely honest, but my mental health is still a struggle. After listening to that whole record for an age, that’s changed for the better for me; I can finally write about my health, although it can be heart wrenching, I can do it. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without Frank. I’ve been lucky enough to see him live twice in the last year and he’s mesmerizing. He’s also been a tattoo artist for a long time and in these ever changing times in the world, he’s started doing livestreams of him painting requests from fans and then sells them to us all. (I’ve been lucky enough to nab two over the last week!) He’s such a calming, positive influence that I’m so grateful to have in my life.
Florence Welch
Florence Welch. The flame haired goddess I never knew I needed in my life. It was funnily enough my dad who bought her first album ‘Lungs’ when I was 13 and that was it for me. Her voice was this captivating mix of Kate Bush and PJ Harvey that I had never experienced before. She instantly became my favourite female artist around. Vocally, I could never even begin to match what she does, but god knows I try. Lyrically, I can only dream of writing the beautifully twisted and dark romantic content she does so effortlessly; like a female Nick Cave. Her first two albums documented moments in time in my life that I can remember with some nostalgia, but when her third, ‘How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful’ came out, that was an album I so badly needed at that time in my life. I was 19, I was hopped up on another batch of anti-depressants, my self harm was back with a vengeance and I was the loneliest I had ever been. I had no hope at that point in time. I still go through horrific periods of that feeling, but that album documented all my feelings. So much so, I ended up getting a tattoo inspired by the song ‘Various Storms and Saints’ which stands as my favourite Florence song of all time. She has been so open with her mental health struggles, especially eating disorders, which continues to be so stigmatised in today’s culture. I’ve been very fortunate to see this queen live three times since 2012 and she’s as beautiful and talented in person as she is on record. She always shines a light on my darkest days.
Hayley Williams
Hayley Williams will live on as my “emo queen” for the rest of my life. I first became a Paramore fan when I was 11 years old, just as ‘Riot!’ came out. I started buying bright coloured skinny jeans because of her. I wanted to dye my hair because of her (I’m thankful I’ve never touched my hair now and my parents decided against it!) I just always wanted to be Hayley. That voice was soaring. She’s written songs I’ve screamed, cried and danced along to, sometimes all at once. Paramore is so important and inspiring to me, but she’s recently come out and done her own solo record. It’s due out in May but she released the first part earlier this year. She’s only started opening up about her mental health over the last couple of years, and it’s been so refreshing to me and so many other fans. Her stark honesty of suicidal thoughts, loneliness and not feeling good enough to do anything resonates with me so much at this current moment in time.
I’ve only been lucky enough to see Paramore once, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Hayley. Her voice can go from being the loudest thing in the room to the quietest, softest noise in the world. She’s also a lot more active on social media nowadays, which is so lovely to see her being herself and comfortable enough to let us fans witness that. Although we don’t know her personally, she’s always come across as someone who’s so humble, easygoing and lovable, and it’s always had a calming influence on me. I know she sings in ‘Idle Worship’ that “I’m not your superhuman, and if that’s what you want, I hate to let you down,” but she’ll continue to be my hero.
I’m going to do one more because this is more emotionally exhausting than I thought…
I saved the hardest for last. (Typical!)
Chris Cornell
Chris Cornell. I’ve mentioned him a lot in previous blog posts. I haven’t properly written something this hard hitting in a while though, so bear with me.
Strong, silent, mysterious, vocally otherworldly, beautiful, unassuming…the list goes on. I could write sonnets about how brilliant Chris was. No person could physically hurt my heart with lyrics the way he did. No one can make the hair stand on the back of my neck the way he could with his voice. I first started listening to Soundgarden as a toddler. I was obsessed with the creepy video for ‘Black Hole Sun’ and I’ve never looked back since. I was hooked and got excited every time I saw one of their videos come on.
Chris has been writing songs since the mid 80s and his band Soundgarden were catapulted into the “grunge wave” in the early 90s. It was apparent, even back then, that he struggled with his mental health and addiction. Lyrically, you could hear it on tracks such as ‘Like Suicide,’ ‘Fell On Black Days’ and ‘Blow Up The Outside World.’ As time went on and he got clean in 2002 and entered a new band called Audioslave, his voice was still insane, he was still writing starkly open and honest lyrics about his struggles.
He continued to be clean and sober all the way through a Soundgarden reunion in 2010, a Temple of the Dog reunion tour in 2016 and an array of solo tours over the course of the late 2000s until 2016.
At the tail end of his solo tour in support of his final record ‘Higher Truth,’ you could tell in videos he was a little bit off. Vocally, he was still magnificent but his general manner was a little off. Soundgarden then back on the road in April 2017, I saw a fair few videos during this time and you could tell by Chris’ eyes that he just didn’t seem “there” at all.
May 17th 2017, I’m sat in bed at 2am watching grainy livestream videos from Soundgarden’s show live in Detroit. Chris’ voice and the band were on top form, but Chris was noticeably slurring every so often. I went to work the next morning as usual (exhausted and wanting to die) and as I got in the door, my phone was going insane in my pocket. My brother, who I couldn’t believe was up at 9am, had sent me a bunch of texts. I don’t remember much; all I can remember is the static noise in my ears, the thumping migraine that developed and my stomach churning. The texts read: “Chris Cornell has died. Aged 52. Out of nowhere too.” I then got one not long after saying “Suspected suicide by hanging.” I spent my whole shift feeling like I had cotton wool for a brain. I was numb. My hero wasn’t dead. He couldn’t be. I was lying in my bed 7 hours earlier watching him sing his heart out.
It came out within 48 hours after his death that he did have anxiety medication in his system, not an “overdose” amount but the potential side effects of the medication he was on did list ‘suicidal ideation.’
It’s almost been three years and I miss him terribly. His voice spanned four octaves, he was the epitome of rockstar, but he was the most humble and quiet man in rock and didn’t want that label. I carry him not only through a tribute tattoo, but I even have a necklace to constantly feel like I have him around. It may sound crazy, but it helps me through.
He spoke so candidly about his struggles with his mental health and it tears me up that no one could help him before he was taken away far too soon. I will love, idolise and remember him forever. He’ll never be replaced.
I’m going to list some honourable mentions (check them all out. They’re all huge heroes of mine)
Shirley Manson of Garbage
Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac
Simon Neil of Biffy Clyro
Brian Molko of Placebo
Kurt Cobain of Nirvana
Joan Jett
Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart
Robert Smith of The Cure
Thank you for letting me waffle on. It was extremely therapeutic.
If anyone is struggling with anything I’ve mentioned in this post, please seek out an appointment with your GP or Samaritans is available to call on 116 123 or email on jo@samaritans.org or if it’s an emergency, please contact 999.
I’m available to listen if anyone does want to message me. Remember, I’m not a professional or trained in mental health. I can only talk about what I’ve gone through and what I do to help myself, but I am more than happy to be an ear.
Thank you x
The Mind Boggles... 